"emailme"

no words can describe

       my day is one hundred

               percent entirely a “what

                is this I don’t even” moment

             And i am completely lost in a current

          Where do i go from here? this

      Is so completely confusing

 .

.

.

i dont know what to say

Tired

And this post was going to be something but i’m tired of being a stupid whiny bitch so here’s some random shiz

So i made confetti out of post-it notes and a heart shaped hole puncher

It was lovely, very colourfulz

I want to paint

With watercolours

This post is useless

I’m secretly imploding

Which is no longer a secret

Taking my post-its off my wall

Stamps, well one actually, its kind of lame

       What am I even talking about? I’ve no clue.

                This wall is red, and that one is grey, Muffins

                            Yes, i said muffins, they are delicious when

                                       You butter them, after they are

                                              fresh out of the oven

                                                  Don’t judge me

             Wewt Look                           I’m having

       Upwards         Now I                       far to

        Falling              Am here           Much fun

          They are                       Playing with

               And now             These letters

                   All Fun like and shtuffz

Scream

I just want to scream. Ugly, ugly things.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY.

Yes. Fuckery.

WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I WANT, TO DECIDE WEATHER I WANT TO LIVE OR DIE AND MAKE STUPID ASS JUDGMENTS BASED OFF OF MY MOOD.

and then there is rage about other things

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING INTERFERING WITH MY LIFE, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE TO KILL ME, OR TELL ME TO GIVE UP AND DIE.

then we go on to find something else

LIKE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO BE MY MOTHER NOW? AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHY DO YOU THINK A FEW MONTHS OF UNREALISTIC KINDNESS WILL CHANGE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME?

of course there’s always the

I THOUGHT YOU GAVE A SHIT GOD DAMN IT WHY ARE YOU PLAYING FUCKING MIND GAMES WITH MY HEAD, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAVE MY LIFE ONE MINUTE THEN RUNNING AWAY THE NEXT.

and then there’s things that don’t make sense

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU DON’T BELONG THERE, THIS IS MY BODY NOT YOURS, YOU DON’T GET TO CHOOSE FOR ME WHEN ITS TIME TO GIVE UP, YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE IF I NEED PROTECTING OR NOT?

but then there is something else entirely

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY, WHO AM I? I’VE NEVER FELT SO TRAPPED IN MY OWN SKIN

of course its all addressed to different people and none of it makes much sense but who the fuck knows anymore.

who the fuck knows

Will her words ever reach you?
Do you watch as they drip
Slowly from her eyes instead
Of whispers from her mouth
Can’t you see them falling
Fighting to teach you
The words that spring
From within her soul
Something no four letter word
Can begin to explain

I wish to lay in the sunlight and breathe in the rays of warmth, to let it bloom inside me like flowers and explode into something beautiful.
I want to write a thousand words or ten thousand words. To sing pretty songs from my soul and feel alive. I want to whisper dreams into notebooks and scream at the top of my lungs.
I wish to lose myself in possibilities.

You can’t stop me now.

I’m sick of this, I’m sick of pointless lies and empty “I love you“‘s I’m tired of looking at you and wondering how it ever got this way, thinking that it must be my fault, because I’m sick, because I fall down, and I struggle. I’m drowned in hoping that it will get better, or that there’s some excuse. That pushing me away was easier than saying goodbye. Wondering weather or not all the pretty things you spoke were lies, looking at you and wondering softly if you ever really did see me as perfect as you said. Or maybe it was because I didn’t promise I wouldn’t do it, and never actually did. What you didn’t know, was that I told you because I was scared, because I had hoped you would tell me something true, that maybe you would look at my scars, and even if it were only a whisper, tell me that I’m still beautiful. But I’m growing up, seeing things right again, I can look at myself and see that I’m pretty in at least some aspect. I can forgive you too, if you give me a chance. Sometimes I wonder if I was better off sick, because then at least, I didn’t ruin my friendships. I wish I could fix things, fix everything. To go back to summer and rely on you a little more, to tell you what I should have, to not let go. To tell my friend that, even though I had said things that may have been wrong of me or stupid sometimes, he shouldn’t have treated me that way, said those things, or gone back to not telling him at all, so we never would have fought. The thing is, I can’t go back, I know I can’t, and there are no words or magic potions or time machines to fix things. Maybe one day you’ll look at me and realize how stupid it was to lie or push, because every day I look at myself and wonder why and how things got so bad. Breathe. It gets better. Just have to remember it gets better.

This part of my life..

…is called mistakes
This part of my life is watching everyone disappear, pushing everyone out because of stupid wishes.
I wonder if they notice.
I know that they don’t.
That this doesn’t matter.
This is what always happens, I’m a stupid scared little girl. Yeah, I never went looking for help, but no one showed me how to get better either. I messed up my only chance to move forward, yeah partly because I was scared, though, mostly because something didn’t seem right, yeah sure, I knew it was supposed to be hard, but getting better shouldn’t involve you making me feel like I was less than nothing, yeah? IM NOT YOU! You can’t fix me the same way as you fixed yourself. Yeah, I’m ugly inside too, but that doesn’t mean I work the same.
Less than nothing.
And one day I truly will be..